Who Am I?

Who am I? That’s a question I find myself asking a lot these days.  It’s not quite as simple as I once thought.

Once upon a time, I was a high school hero.  I was an athlete; I played for four years on my high schools varsity football team.  I was a fantastic student; I had a 4.0 GPA throughout most of high school and scored a 33 on my ACT, and I never once studied for anything.  I was a performer; I starred as the lead in both of the school musicals my high school had while I was a student and have been performing at the Broadway Academy of Performing since the seventh grade.  I was popular.  I was confident.  Most of all, I believed that I was the greatest there would ever be.  I look back on high school and find myself wondering what happened to the person I once was.

That all changed during the second semester of my senior year.  At the time, I blamed it on my ex-girlfriend (For that, I am truly sorry.)  Little did I know, there was a demon within me I knew nothing about.  The once confident man I had been seemed to have vanished; I couldn’t even get out of bed to go to school without anxiety medications.  Anxiety? What the FACK was that?! I hadn’t been nervous since, well, I couldn’t honestly remember.  Yet there I was, spending all of my time alone in my room wishing, praying I never had to leave it.  I knew something was wrong, but refused to accept that it was me.

I left for college the day after my graduation.  I had paid my dues there and I was leaving and never coming back.  For awhile, everything was good.  Better than good, it was perfect.  I had met an amazing girl; she was beautiful, smart, and fun to be around.  I was in a whole new world; I left a small town where everyone knew my name to Norman, OK, just twenty minutes from Oklahoma City.  My life was golden, or so I thought.  Once college started, it got even better.  I had met the most amazing friends in the entire world (Dude Bruhs, you know who you are)  That first semester was filled with ups and downs – and when I say ups and downs, I don’t mean good moments and bad moments.  I mean I went from being on top of the world and believing I was God’s gift to all of humanity to wondering how in all of the heavens could such a colossal mistake have been made like giving me the gift of life.  Still, I refused to accept I was the cause of this.  I blamed any and everything I could think of.  Ex-girlfriends, past friends I wasn’t in contact with anymore, you name it.  It was there fault I couldn’t stay happy.  Not mine.  It was there fault I was failing classes.  Not mine.  If I knew then what I know now, everything would have made much more sense.

It wasn’t until the beginning of my second semester that I finally grew the courage to ask for help, and boy, am I glad that I did!  I was able to withdraw from OU due to medical reasons – a medical leave of sorts – with the understanding that once my health was in check I would return to the University able to make up for the mistakes I had made in my first semester.  I was going to change.  I was finally going to get down to the bottom of the problems that had been plaguing me for the past year.

Going home ended up not being enough; after being back in my mothers home for a couple of weeks, I wasn’t getting any better.  In fact, some might say I was getting worse.  It was time for something big; an all or nothing assault.  I voluntarily admitted myself to a short stay mental health institution.  February 20, 2017 is a date I will never forget.  That was the day that I, Logan Meek, High School Hero, Real Life Zero, was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I.  Suddenly, everything made sense.  I realized that all of that on top of the world stuff?  That was just an EXTREMELY manic episode.  I looked back at all the horrible things I had done; the things I said, the people I hurt for no reason and had no explanation as to why? It all made sense.  The depression?  Falling from the giant pedestal of light I sat upon into the deep, unending darkness?  Everything now makes sense.

The Bipolar Storyteller was created as a way for me to express myself; to tell my story in the hopes of helping anyone affected by a mental illness in anyway that I can.

So who am I?  I’m someone who was blinded by the light of mania and the darkness of depression, who is now trying to find the balance; a gray area where I can see clearly. I’m a teen who was dealt a crappy hand and has decided not to let that stop me from playing this game.  Because I am going to play it, and I am going to win. That’s a promise.


9 thoughts on “Who Am I?

  1. Thanks so much for this gift you are sharing Logan! I am sure by your sharing your story you are helping others “to see the light”. Prayers for your continued healing.

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  2. Thank you for sharing your incredible story. It’s hard to be open about mental health and how we struggle. I deal and have dealt with depression all of my life. I hid it from the world and am now starting to be more open about it in my writing. You’re so brave and I hope that you continue on the path towards healing. It’s a one day at a time kind of journey. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words ma’am. It’s a hard thing we battle every day, and at the end of the day being ashamed of something we cannot control just isn’t worth it. Some things are just out of our hands. It’s my hope to lead by example and show anyone out their struggling that while we may not be able to control that we have these issues, we can choose whether we let it define us or not. If I can help just one person, then I’ll know that I’m making a difference.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for sharing. My first cousin has now been diagnosed as bipolar and honestly the word “demon” was the way we used to describe her as well. It’s soooo helpful to have a name to the issue and it helped with understanding her mood swings and aided in forgiveness.
    I hope you find health, forgiveness and healing with those around you.

    Liked by 1 person

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